Monday, September 18, 2006

Pondering the Nature of Friendship...

What a beautiful day... it actually feels autumnal outside. I left the windows open in the apartment this morning and it smells nice in here now. I was in a rather self-pitying or self-serving mood earlier and so I went to the newly renovated Northpark Mall to Lush, which has these wonderful fizzy bath ball things. I felt like I deserved a fizzy bath. (Don's gone! My period's coming. I deserve a FIZZY BATH!)

The store is wonderful, an exposion of smell and color as you walk in. Bins and barrels and shelves overflowing with soaps, cosmetics, scrubs, bubble thingies, with explanatory signage everywhere. And the lady there made me little free samples of all kinds of things that I couldn't afford, so now I have these facial things to try after my fizzy bath. And I went to Eddie Bauer and bought Don a shirt because I miss him. Which is illogical, I know. But I saw the shirts in the window and thought how good he would look in one. And that he likes Eddie Bauer. And so. Debt, anyone? And I went to Central Market to buy things for dinner because even though I'm alone there's no reason not to make good food for myself. (I deserve trout and broccoli as well as baths! Not just a can of soup!) So now I have the fixings for a really nice evening.

I got an email back from my best friend (who I never hear from anymore) which confirms that she is not dead and doesn't hate me. Even though it looks as though our friendship is slowly dissolving-- I think this move to VA will kill it mostly-- it's a relief to know that there's nothing seriously wrong with her. Since she got married in May 2005 I've seen her about 4 times. She lives just a couple of miles away, but can't get together, can't answer phone calls, or even emails usually. I think we communicated more often when I was living in Vermont than in the 2 1/2 years that I've been back. Actually thinking about it maybe moving to Virginia will revive the friendship.

Although I've been wondering, at what point does a common history become not enough to sustain a relationship? Can "we've been best friends since junior high" if there's little common ground elsewhere? After 13 years there's always subject for conversation-- you know each other's families, spouses, and histories like your own. 'Remembering when' is important sometimes; it provides a link to your past and focus to your present. But is that enough? I would have thought so. But now, I'm almost relieved that this move will change the flavor of friendship once again, and perhaps fade it somewhat. I feel as though I am always reaching out and always being rejected, or ignored. It's irritating, confusing, and worrisome. I always think the worst-- someone's been hit by a car, or is in a deep depression, or is having marital problems, or wants to end the friendship. To find that it's simply a callous busy-ness is both a relief and an insult. Sending off an email or a voicemail takes maybe a minute, after all. So perhaps I'll move, and let her take the first moves from now on. Not in a game-playing, manipulative sense, but because I feel hurt and cast-off, and perhaps she feels pressured. That way if I don't get a return phone-call I won't entertain myself by thinking of the myriad awful possibilities, or wonder about the lack of common courtesy in someone who's such a nice person usually.

1 comment:

Benjamin said...

Thanks for coffee and cake.... you're a true friend. Ponder that.