Saturday, September 16, 2006

It's Ennui time, boys and girls!

I've been a negligent blogger lately. This is mainly because I've been waiting for this blue feeling to lift, so that I could write a cheerful, upbeat entry about the good things in life blah blah blah. I don't know why I always feel like doing that though because it would make my blog very one-sided and unrepresentative of the way I really am. The truth of the matter is that I miss Don. It sounds so simple and almost trite, but there it is. I could never exist in a long-distance relationship, I need the day-to-day interactions, the shared experiences that build and maintain any relationship but especially a romantic one. And it's worse for Don, because he feels the same way but has put years and years into being strong, independent, and stoic. Missing me makes him feel needy and emotional, apparently.

Don: I've just realized that I need you! You're the love of my life! We need to stay together always. I can't stand living without you.

Me: I thought you realized that 2 years ago when you proposed marriage and we got engaged.

Don: Well yeah, I guess so. I just realize it more now.

Men. They're always so in touch with their feelings. It's still nice to hear, though. A whole lot better than, "You know, this living on my own makes me miss being single! Maybe we should try a trial separation!" or something like that. We talk on the phone for a long time every night. And we have a new thing in which I put the phone on speaker and he howls at the dog. She gets this confused but very *interested* look on her face, as though trying to figure out how Don got trapped inside that tiny metal box. Quite a bit like those "His Master's Voice" ads for the original phonographs or Victrolas or what have you, in which the little white dog is staring into the phonograph's horn. It definitely gets her attention and she sniffs the phone very thoroughly. She hasn't started howling along yet though, the way she would if he were here.

Without Don here, my days have a different cadence, a different rhythm to them. When we're together it basically goes, work-come home- dinner- conversation/tv-bed. Dinner is of paramount importance, and we call "So what are we eating tonight" the Question of the Day. We spend all of our evening time other than eating, talking catching up and watching the tv. But when Don's not here, I don't worry much about dinner-- just heat something up, or not. Cheese sandwhich, scrambled eggs, Lean Cuisine, whatever. I'm just not that fussed about it. I don't watch tv on my own either, unless there's something specific I want to see. Like my cooking show. So I tend to do more constructive things in the evenings, to fill the time between work and bed. I've been going out with friends a lot more, partly because it's more fun than staying home (which isn't as true when Don's here) and partly because I'm moving soon and may NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN or at least only sporadically. I see my family more for the same reasons, and because they feed me very well. I mean of course I'll see them again after the move, but in the last almost three years that we've been in Dallas I've seen my folks and little brother about every week. It's a rough adjustment, to think about only seeing them on vacations again.

So, Things I've Been Working On Lately:

1. My quilt. I'm actually making a little progress but these blocks are so hard for me, a beginner. I have 9 blocks half done. Out of 63 total blocks. My next quilt will have SQUARES or RECTANGLES only. Triangles are evil and stretchy.

2. A new essay for the Scribbulus site. On Snape and Petunia. Do you really want to know? I didn't think so. Also I'm a mod now on the Leaky Lounge site, which sucks up hours of time.

3. Reading other random stranger's blogs, and realizing that they're so much more interesting and readable than my own, which makes me not want to post.

4. Re-reading all of the short stories of Dorothy Parker, which somehow will make you laugh, and hate all of humanity at the same time. It's like, "These people are awful! But that's exactly how people are! argh! " She sort of nails on the head the different languages that men and women use to talk to each other, and the myriad misunderstandings and heartbreaks that arise from that.

Things I've Done Towards Moving Across Country:



I seem to be passive-aggressively declaring my ambivilance about the move by refusing to do any work towards making it happen. Or, I've just been lazy, distracted, and my usual procrastinating last-minute-is-the-best-minute self. Take your pick, really. My goal for the weekend (which I guess means tomorrow since it's already Saturday night) is to fill three huge cardboard boxes with stuff to take to Goodwill. Or not fill them but come to the point where there's nothing else I want to get rid of. It was my goal for Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday as well but hasn't happened yet.

My sister has announced some plans for the coming year that would make her taking the fishtank off our hands rather difficult, so now I'm trying to figure out what to do with that. Of course she may still *want* the aquarium and probably will, but if she can only keep it until May then what's the point? If it weren't for the fishies, I could just drain the tank, wrap the plants, and send it to VA. Hmm. If only I knew a nice couple that also kept fish. Maybe they would have room for 6 well-behaved fresh-water community fish: 2 Cory Cats, 2 Bloodfin Tetras, and 2 red wagtail platys. We've lost several fish lately but I'm not sure why. I tested the tank for all of the chemicals-- ammonia, nitrites, nitrates, and pH-- but everything came up fine except that the pH was a little high. But it's always been high because the pH of our tapwater is that way. It never bothered them before. I'm thinking that some of them were just old.

Well, time for the long chat with the sweetie.


Amanda said...

oh, you know...if we weren't trying to find room in the apartment for our studio stuff (so that our son will have a nursery) we probably would. but alas...we're crammed!!!

Mara said...

ah, but I'm looking for someone who could incorporate *just the fish* into a tank they already have!

No extra room required, see? :)

Benjamin said...

Actually, Rerun would love to own some fish. Can't imagine what she'd do with them...

Mara said...

I can, sadly. Sushi, anyone?

Amanda said...

doh. well, that definately rules us out...our babies are part of the pirhana family...

Mara said...

Ack! Umm, maybe letting my sister keep them really is the best option going at the moment.