Monday, February 25, 2008

At least...

...it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy; the fear of that drove me to the emergency room in the first place. A simple, uncomplicated early miscarriage is a blessing compared to the mess that could have been.

At least going to the hospital created a medical record of the pregnancy and miscarriage; they won't have to take my word for it that I got pregnant and miscarried for a third time, and we can start the more specialized tests that are saved for us fertility-challenged peoples.

At least it was really early. Speaking from experience now, it is much, much easier (physically) to miscarry at 5-6 weeks along than at 10-12. This is just like a bad period, really-- nothing like the terrifying hemorrhage that was the first miscarriage. Mentally, it's a bit easier because we didn't have two or three months of building-up time, week after week of thinking that everything will be fine-- then realizing that all that time was essentially wasted; that we'd have to start over again.

At least Don could come with me this time. It makes such a difference, having that support. Doctors and nurses don't really understand my dark sense of humor; it's a weird defensive mechanism that helps me deal with the undealwithable. They probably just thought I was nuts, but he understands that, in public at least, I'd rather joke than cry.

At least I have the unwavering support of my friends, my parents, my sister (and brother), even-- to some extent--my manager and coworkers. There are so many women out there struggling with this, or worse, all on their own. I can't imagine how rough that would be.

At least I'm still only 27. Whatever isn't right, there's plenty of time to fix. We decided to start a family when I was 25; imagine if we'd waited another five or even ten years to start trying! Everything would look a lot darker.

At least I have good medical insurance, so that deciding to go to the ER is no big deal, financially. Neither is the prospect of lots more doctor's appointments, or expensive tests. Imagine how much more difficult this journey would be if we had to finance it somehow.
At least we can get pregnant easily. That's huge. Whatever is making me lose my babies, I'm sure it can be fixed; the biggest hurdle is already passed. It took two cycles this time; one the last time, and four the first time-- but half of those we weren't really trying, more just "let's not use birth control and see what happens!" So every time we've tried to get pregnant, it essentially happened within two months. When we figure out what's happening, we should ideally be able to apply it in no time, and be on our way to a houseful of kiddies.

12 comments:

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

ayla said...

Oh Mara. At least you're able to find "at least"s. I wish I could do more than offer virtual hugs over the internet. I feel guilty holding my three month old son when you have three babies in heaven that you never got to meet.

Benjamin said...

Mara,
I'm sorry, dear. I love you so very much. My heart goes out to you and Don. If I could be laughter incarnate, I would come to your house and tickle you. That may not be much of a help, but it's the best I can do.

Bella said...

Mara - I don't know what I can offer you other than our love. I know those three beautiful little spirits knew unparalleled love for the short moment they held you close. They will carry it on to their next cycle in this universe; wherever that may be.

I gave Zephyr the most warm embrace I could muster and I drank in his scent - all the while, I imagined that I was you, one day with your little one. Whatever energy I could give to that moment, I sent your way.

Love - Namaste

Mrs Hannigan said...

Ahhh, some precious little munchkin is just as anxious as you are to be with you. Know that the events that bring you together are, in the end, the only way, the perfect way; even if it isn't what you would have chosen for yourself.

Mara said...

You all are making me cry. But thank you.

MindfulMama said...

You have an unbelievable outlook and any little spirit will be blessed to grow inside of you. It WILL happen, just keep up your trust in all good things.

labortrials said...

Mara, I'm so glad that I read your "at leasts." Last night I couldn't fathom "at least." This morning when I woke up I didn't think I had "at least" in me. You've encouraged me to seek out some "at leasts" as well. I'll try to compose my own now . . .

Bless you,
Kimberly

Annette said...

Mara, I am so, so sorry for your loss. We lost our first little one, but I can't begin to understand the sadness and frustration you must be feeling right now. I wish so much there was something real I could do, but please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers-- you and your hubby and your little ones.
(annettemarie on MDC)

Mindi said...

Mara,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that with testing, you are able to find a reason for your losses and that someday, your arms will hold the baby that you so desire.

Many Blessings,
Mindi (Mindi22 from MDC)

robina said...

i am just catching up now, mara, and i am so, so sorry for your loss.

hbacmama said...

So sorry for you losses. At least... I followed the trail that led me to your blog this evening.