Thursday, February 28, 2008

Aftermath

I keep dreaming that I'm still pregnant and everything is fine. Every time I wake up, I have to realize all over that it has happened again. It makes the early mornings suck. The coffee shop raised its prices on espresso drinks, which is just kind of gilding the lily on my week so far. Don isn't sleeping well, either. I don't know what's happening in his dreamscape, but it seems bad. These miscarriages are hard on him, too; maybe even harder, in a way, than they are on me. For one thing, he doesn't have the kind of support network that I do; even if there are people that would want to help him, he can't open up the way that I can to accept that help. None of his coworkers, his friends, not even his parents know about what he's going through; he's just too private and stoic. I think for some men, it's almost worse to have to see their wives going through something painful, than to experience pain themselves; Don is one of those. And I think he's worried about what this is going to do to us, to our marriage. Worried that maybe it's him, not me, even though all the evidence would suggest otherwise. He understands perfectly how much I want--need--to have a baby, but he doesn't realize how much I need his own self. Afraid maybe I'll trade him in for a more fertile model, I guess. Words are pretty useless against those kinds of fears, but I keep trying.

Today was the day that I had hoped to deliver that other pregnancy, the good long one from last summer with the heartbeat. (My God, I've gotten to the point where I need to identify which miscarriage I mean.) Technically, the due date would have been last Sunday--because nothing is as fabulous a coincidence as miscarrying exactly on the due date of your last miscarriage!--but I thought that Leap Day would be an awesome birthday to have. I knew a woman who's birthday was February 29th, and she got a real kick out of it. I keep attaching way too much significance to the random dates associated with pregnancy. Our very first pregnancy was conceived on Valentine's Day. (Sorry if that's too much information, and yes, I know that I'm an avowed V-Day Hater, but I was ovulating. Whatever.) I thought it was sweet and romantic and a good omen. The second pregnancy was conceived on our honeymoon; sweet, romantic, good omen, would make for a good how-you-were-made story as long as we left out certain details; and it would have been due right around Leap Day. This last one would have been due just a few days before Halloween, so you know what I was aiming for; it's only our favorite holiday of the year. I need to just stop thinking like that. There are no lucky days to conceive or to deliver. ANY day to give birth would become extra, extra-lucky all by itself. Why is it that I can hardly remember my friends' birthdays but can remember the exact dates of conception, Positive Pregnancy Test, and miscarriage for every pregnancy so far? It's obsessive and possibly unhealthy, but they're burned into my brain now.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby.
I just came across your blog and went to it because I was also in Charlottesville for some time. (it's actually the city i lived in when I miscarried...not that that fact should put us in some great group together...)
i want to share with you an article i found that for some reason or another really made me feel better, is better the word?...i don't know. i read and reread the last paragraph numerous times, it kinda became my mantra during that period of my life.
http://www.hipmama.com/node/12427
i hope it helps you in some way. take care...
jen
jenniferlivolson@hotmail.com - if i can help in anyway.

Rachel said...

(((((HUGS))))

Mara said...

Thank you for the link, Jen! It's such a well-written article and it hits home-- that bit about staring at all those snacks you'd never eat ordinarily.

WTF am I doing with Whole Foods whole-wheat crackers instead of trusty Saltines and a huge basket of fruit? Oh, yeah...

Anonymous said...

that, and the comment about feeling angry at people that were pregnant and/or carrying babies. or saying things like last time i was here i was pregnant.

i honestly thought i was the only one that felt that way!

good job on the retail therapy...although i must say charlottesville had little going for it when i was there. minneapolis - where we are now - mall of america...now that's some retail therapy!
-jen

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