Sunday, February 24, 2008

All In

So, um, I have been spotting a little and cramping a little, yesterday and today. I know it could be nothing. I KNOW. Everybody keeps telling me that. But in my experience, it's always been the beginning of the end. I have been resting, sleeping, and guzzling water continuously.

I always felt, rationally, that this could be a long shot; that there was at least equal odds for another miscarriage. What I didn't realize is that, emotionally, I am already fully invested. I thought I was detached, calm, rational; willing to hope for the best but prepared for otherwise. That was all bullshit. When I saw that blood yesterday, I just lost it. Sobbing-- bawling really-- in a fetal position on the bathmat, with both dogs staring at me-- Alice probably wondering if I would be mad if she licked up my tears. (That dog loves tears. I don't know about her, sometimes. It does make her seem sympathetic and loving, but she most likely just likes the salt.) There is no detachment here, that was all an illusion. I want my baby. Please, for the love of God, let me keep this one.


Bella said...

Have you called your doctor??? We're here for you - sending as much energy your way as I can.

Mara said...

yeah. There's really nothing they can do at this point-- there's no magic pill or shot they can give me to force the pregnancy to stick. They said to look out for certain things that would indicate an ectopic, and go to the ER if those symptoms showed up.