All In

So, um, I have been spotting a little and cramping a little, yesterday and today. I know it could be nothing. I KNOW. Everybody keeps telling me that. But in my experience, it's always been the beginning of the end. I have been resting, sleeping, and guzzling water continuously.

I always felt, rationally, that this could be a long shot; that there was at least equal odds for another miscarriage. What I didn't realize is that, emotionally, I am already fully invested. I thought I was detached, calm, rational; willing to hope for the best but prepared for otherwise. That was all bullshit. When I saw that blood yesterday, I just lost it. Sobbing-- bawling really-- in a fetal position on the bathmat, with both dogs staring at me-- Alice probably wondering if I would be mad if she licked up my tears. (That dog loves tears. I don't know about her, sometimes. It does make her seem sympathetic and loving, but she most likely just likes the salt.) There is no detachment here, that was all an illusion. I want my baby. Please, for the love of God, let me keep this one.