Thursday, February 09, 2006

Where to begin?

I haven't posted in awhile because it's been a draining, disturbing week and for some reason I shy away from writing about stuff while it's still raw. So, in no paticular order;

1. My co-worker Diana's grandbaby- the just-born one with the faulty heart and operations, died. She was two weeks old. I feel so bad for her and her daughter and her family... it seems so wrong and unnatural for a baby to die, like in this age of science and wonder, can't they fix everything? I knew it as soon as she walked into the bank, it was written in her face, her eyes, her posture...
like an idiot I find myself trying to find the right words, as though some magic sentence can make her feel better. It's that little masculine side of me; it wants to attack a problem and fix it even when there's not a damn thing in the whole world that can do that. When the only thing to do really is say 'I'm so sorry', and 'Go home, we don't need you here. Go be with your family'.

2. After that, everything seems so trivial. It's not life or death; it doesn't matter. But the night before last, D and I watched a PBS documentary on the sex-slave trade that is apparently thriving in Eastern Europe right now. It was the single most disturbing thing I've ever seen on TV, all these women--wives and mothers!--kidnapped and sold into the most heineous, hellish existence that can be. Forced prostitution... By the end of the show we were both just sort of frozen on the sofa. I was crying, and he might have been, too. It's kind of amazing that this stuff doesn't seem to make the mainstream media news. Why is this happening? How can this happen?

3. Yesterday, D was supposed to work a 2nd shift in order to oversee some plumbing work being done on the hotel. I thought he'd be back by midnight or so. Right. He gets done so late that it's easier for him to stay there and begin the next day--at 7:30--than to come home. He worked straight through from 3 p.m. until about noon the next day. Unbelievable.... my poor sweetie. He was sleeping when I came in tonight around 5 and I think he'll sleep through till morning.

4. And me, because I got no sleep last night without him. Got up late for work, no coffee in the house. Made my lunch but left it on the kitchen counter; left too late to buy coffee on the way to work. So: no coffee, no breakfast, no sleep= massive headache all day long; plus an evil personality that scared my coworkers. They usually only deal with the well-rested, fully-caffeinated Mara. And as I left work, my manager thanked me, and said that I worked very hard. Is this a trick compliment? Is she saying that usually I don't work hard? I didn't think I was working any harder than usual, just that it took more effort than usual b/c of all the above. I feel paranoid. I think I'll go to bed soon.

1 comment:

Benjamin said...


I don't know what to say.

If I was there, I'd give you a big hug and a mocha.