Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Some rage on the side

Other people just get pregnant. They get pregnant, and the little embryo eventually becomes a fetus, which becomes a baby. Then they have their own little baby, a family.

This is seriously boggling my mind right now. Why them and not us? People who aren't even trying, who don't even want to get pregnant, successfully carry their pregnancies to term. People who don't take care of themselves, who are too ignorant or lazy to be educated about nutrition, weight gain, drug use, and all the other factors that can influence their outcomes, do just fine. (What is that expression, that God looks after idiots and children?)

This is the first time that I've had to think: something is wrong with me. There's something about my body, my self, that doesn't work as it should. I've always been able to take for granted that, while not perfect, my body was fully functional: anything I've wanted to do I've been able to. Now, I've been doing what I always do when faced with the unknown: read, research, study. We have an appointment with a specialist next week and I don't want to be unprepared; they won't be able to use any words or put forth any theories that I'm not already familiar with. The possibilities are mind-boggling, though. What is it going to take to bring a next pregnancy to term? In-vitro fertilization? Heparin shots every day? Sewing my cervix shut combined with complete bed rest? And will it be (please oh please) the next one, or will there be more losses first?


songbird45 said...

I think all of us who experience infertility wonder this exact thing. It's enormously unfair. And it's the hardest thing I have ever been though, emotionally.

Bella said...

Where I can not even to being imagining what this must feel like for you, I do feel connected to you through our casual friendship and the unspoken "sisterhood" of women. I do however have a former co-worker, and friend, who went through the exact same thing. Her and her husband waited until a few years ago to try having a family (she was in her early 30's if I remember correctly when they started) and after several miscarriages and gaps she got pregnant only after having an expensive surgery. The good news is that her pregnancy was completely normal - not only that, but they just had their second daughter a few months ago and needed no medical intervention what so ever.

I can't remember what procedure she had done, but they were on the verge of adoption, but my point is it took them A LOT of heartache and trials. I remember us having tea or lunch together and she was so frustrated and confused - and she was a very quiet woman. You never knew if she was upset or hurt, or sad...unless you really took the time to ask and listen. Her daughters are so beautiful and I know that she would tell you the same thing you keep telling yourself - it will happen.

It might take some time and a lot of determination, but Mara, if ever there was a family woman, certainly it is you!

Rachel said...

I often think that, too. "Why do they have a happy family and 12 kids that they don't even bother with, when all I wanted was TWO dang kids and a husband who didn't abuse me?" It's human nature, I think. When we know we would be so wonderful and nurturing if given the chance to love someone, and yet people who experience that without problems treat it like a rag instead of the gift that it is.

shannjane said...

I couldn't agree with you more. My husband and I have had three miscarriages in the past year and am getting fed up with pregnant teens and "oops" pregnancies. We have been through testing that has made me feel like a guinea pig for the gynos and have been placed on progesterone for a just in case which has landed me in some seriously emotional tyrades to produce yet another miscarrige. Mind you I will do anything for a healthy pregnancy, but there are times when you want to curse the world and the irresponsible dim witts who don't even want children.
Thanks for saying what you say and making it feel better to be a little pissed off.