Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Strength

I don't know what that is, exactly. My mom tells me yesterday that I'm being so strong, but how am I? What other alternative is there but to process, to deal, to adjust and keep going? I'm not one to crack up and go nuts, or to drown my sorrows in alcohol or reckless behavior. 90% of people are the same way, I think. Shoulder it and keep going, and try to stay open; to grow from the experience and not shrivel.

This is not the worst thing ever. It sucks, of course. I'm not trying to say that everything is fine or that I'm not sad, pissed off, and scared. But it's not the end of the world, there are so many worse things. I know that so many people are going through worse, and with such grace. An uncle of mine, to just name one. Now if it turns out that Don and I will never have a child, that I'm not at all capable to make a baby, that would be the worst.

I am back at work today. I found out that I could have taken the whole week off no questions asked, but why? It doesn't do me a whole lot of good to sit at home, alone, thinking too much as Don would say. I'm not in any physical pain... at least, not more than what a normal period is like. The longer I'm away from work the harder it is to come back; I'd rather face everything right away, deal with the questions and the comments and let it fade from everybody's mind, which will happen faster the sooner I return. I stayed home all weekend and yesterday. Watching my favorite movies, reading favorite books. Cleaning my study and playing with the dogs. You can only do that for so long, right?

It's not that I'm trying to avoid thinking about the miscarriage or feeling it through, but it helps to have the distraction of work; to have other things occupying my mind for a time.

What I really need is some time at home-- in Texas. With my family and my friends. I need to see my mom (who almost decided to fly here for the weekend) and just chill for awhile. I don't have any vacation time left but I hope that I can take some time off unpaid-- I don't mind missing a paycheck. I'm going to ask my manager today and hope that she's still feeling bad enough for me to be unorthodox about this.

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When I was your age, television was called 'books'.

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!

Inconceivable!
--You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means.

You seem like a decent fellow, I hate to kill you.
--YOU seem like a decent fellow, I hate to die!

What about the R.O.U.S.?
-- Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't believe in them.

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Anybody what to guess what movie I watched? Anybody?

5 comments:

Bella said...

THE PRINCESS BRIDE, BITCH YA!!! That movie is one of my all time favorites.

and Buttercup was such a spoiled brat. :)

Mara said...

Wonderfully so... but it does bug me that threatening suicide is the only weapon she seems to have.

bella said...

because she was never made to think. she always had Wesley there to help her, do her shit, and in general, pamper the hell out of her. Again, spoiled brat, too dramatic...she sooo didn't deserve him. hahah.

ayla said...

I love that movie! I agree that Buttercup was a spoiled brat.

I think it's good that you're going back to work, I agree that sometimes getting back to a routine is the best medicine. As for a trip to Texas, you probably qualify for some time off under FMLA, which is always unpaid, but if you don't mind I'm sure that something will be able to be worked out.

Mara said...

Ha, does FMLA cover mental health? Because I'm afraid that I already fessed up to being physically OK...