Monday, August 13, 2007

Again.

It's all over, now. Another miscarriage, this one at exactly 12 weeks. Is that why 12 weeks is supposed to be the magic turning point? I don't really know what to write at this point, I feel strangely calm, or maybe kind of numb.

I've felt for a long time, maybe two weeks now, that something wasn't right. That I wasn't really pregnant anymore, that my little bean had "stopped growing" (to use the clinical phraseology) and that I was just carrying dead weight. Nobody wanted to believe me, not even my doctor's office-- it's so much easier, more hopeful to think that it was just because I'd miscarried before. Obviously that would make me worry more, right? But it also gave me the insight into what a pregnancy gone wrong feels like. This miscarriage was surprisingly manageable, nothing like the dramatics of the previous. I had an ultrasound first thing this morning just to make sure that everything is, you know, out. It confirmed what I already thought, which is that I actually lost the baby not long after the eight-week ultrasound but that my body was taking its own time in processing that information.

I keep wondering why. I've never had anything like this happen before. 26 years old, healthy and strong. Built to have babies, or so I thought--I should be the poster child for a healthy, uneventful pregnancy. This is the first time that my body has failed me, and I feel betrayed by it. Right now, we do the hCG tests, to make sure that it's decreasing as it should be. Next week: a "panel" of tests that measure, I don't know, how my blood clots or something. Some causal factor in miscarriages. Because we were already doing the progesterone, you know? That was supposed to fix it? After that, who knows. Genetic testing for me and for Don, to find out if we're likely to create chromosomally un-viable offspring? What would cause a pregnancy to fail that had already hit so many milestones? That got to 8 weeks but not to 10? I really thought that after seeing that little heartbeat, we were out of the woods. So to speak.

Any which way, Don and I are going to wait until the winter to try again. That will give us plenty of time to run whatever tests we can, and to give my poor body a break; I'm not going to put it through three first trimesters in a row. Two within six months has run it ragged already-- if I got pregnant again soon and kept it that would be like being pregnant all year long. And a third miscarriage might drive both of us around the bend. Even though I know it's not a factor, Don is convinced now that we shouldn't have tried again so soon, that I was still taxed from the last. I know that wouldn't have caused a miscarriage, but I can see where he's coming from. I need to pull back and concentrate on nutrition, on losing this ten pounds that have crept onto me (I write this with a pint of Ben&Jerry's in hand), on regaining my vitality and strength before trying again to become a host organism.

My mom sent a tiny little hat and booties that she knitted. I got the package right after the bleeding and cramping started and just lost it. The dogs wondered why I was bawling. But I haven't bought any baby stuff at all, haven't held any eensy onesies or tiny teeshirts. It kind of drove home that I wasn't losing a 12-week pregnancy so much as the baby that I was going to be holding in February. Now I have to call her and let her know that I received the package but lost the baby...

9 comments:

ayla said...

Oh Mara, I'm so sorry. One thing this should affirm for you is that you are very very aware of what's going on with your body, more so than any other person. I hope you didn't feel like I was blowing you off when I commented about your concerns, that wasn't my intention.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. i wish I could give you more. Let me know if there's anything you need.

bella said...

Oh Mara,
Jordan and I are sorry. He came in and told me he just read your blog (I've been worried about you for a couple of days and have been talking about it like I was your sister or something).

I had a couple of people that I know and love that are all going through their own issues...one in the hospital, one sick, my brother hurt his ankle with no insurance...so I lit a candle for each of you on my alter and asked the Goddess to send her love and warmth to you all. Yours stayed lit the longest (the practice being that when the energy has reached it's intended or the work finished, the candle goes out) and it worried me.

If you need anything, please don't hesitate to call or write or contact in anyway. Jordan and I are both off this week so we're here for you should you need anything.

Helen said...

I'm so sorry this happened again, Mara. I had a parcel of baby clothes that arrived for my baby (the twins) two weeks after they were born at 11 weeks, and I remember the devastation that caused.
I wish I could hug you in person, but remember that because of your words, there are people all over the world who are thinking about you and Don tonight. Take care of each other.

Benjamin said...

Mara, I hardly know what to say. I wish I could give you a big hug and a hot mocha. All my thoughts and energies are with you and Don. I'm going to do something really ridiculous and make a fool of myself (more than usual), and then write about it on my blog,so you'll have something to laugh about. Maybe I'll go to Borders naked or something. Scare the hell out those people! Get arrested.
You deserve to take it easy for a while. Chill out, relax. Re-read all the HP books.
Words aren't enough, I know. But lots of people love you and wish you all the best.
I am truly sorry.
I'll be thinking about you in the warmest way.
My love,
Ben

Circe said...

Dearest Mara,
I only know you through My Daughter , The Mrs Bella :)
I only wanted to tell you of a thought pattern that helped ME in my miscarriages before Amanda and Jason arrived.
Amanda adn Jason were my last 2 pregnancies and totally unexpected.
I had lost 4 other babies before. I kept wondering why my body would not allow a life to form. Then I realized that I had placed MUCH pride into MY desires.
When I finally realized that I was a wonderful vessel to give safety to a young soul that did not necessarilly need to LIVE here on Earth, but chose me to gain the little experience that was needed before returning to "home".
I am not a religious person but spiritually tuned. I was gifted by that tiny life and impressed with how wonderful love is when a life is formed.
Mara, rest easy for a little while.
The souls that came to be within you, NEEDED YOU to be there. THAT is love.
Rest easy Dearest Mara....there may be more that need you again.

Hugs, Love and Laughter always,

Circe

Mara said...

Thanks so much, you guys. It's so comforting to be able to write this in the morning, wander off to read a book or take a nap, and come back to find so much support both friends both online and in real life.

Ben-- Naked Borders is a cure-all for anything, I think.

I am trying to arrange a trip home soon even though I don't have any vac time left, so maybe I'll see you this fall-- Bella you and Jordan and everyone too.

Bella said...

You got it, just let us know when you'll be in town and we'll get together. You can hold Zephyr the whole time if you like...change a diaper, feed him, hell you name it!

Aunt Sally said...

Dearest Mara,
Even though we haven't met I feel like I know you because you're one of Ben's friends. I'm really sad about your loss. There's just no way to know how you feel unless one has gone throught it herself, which I haven't. But my thoughts and my prayers are with you. I wish you lived closer so we could visit. And I'd certainly make you some chicken soup! Take care, sweetie...give your body a rest for now and see what the future holds for you and your husband. I wish you two all the best. You certainly deserve it. Maybe I'll be able to get together with you when you visit with your friends here in Dallas. Take care. I send my love and my prayers to you both.

labortrials said...

Feel ya. It sucks in a way only other mothers who have lost their babies can fathom. I'm sorry it's had to be you twice in a row. I hope you find peace.