Sometimes there's too much going on, to post in a blog. Sometimes there's nothing going on and nothing to write about. Sometimes it feels like both.
My sister and her boyfriend spent the weekend here, en route from Texas to Europe. Now they're gone, but we have her car and her dog in our possession as a reminder that being a big sister is forever. Don't make that commitment lightly, folks...
Am I a little jealous about a 2-month trip to Europe? Of course. Who wouldn't be? On the other hand, I will never be footloose enough to quit my job, cancel my lease, put all my stuff in storage, drop the dog at my sister's, and take off. I will never be outgoing enough for couch-surfing to be my preferred way of travel, which is what they'll be doing. More than anything I want them to have an amazing trip, something to remember for life.
Although I'm damn worried about Cocomo. This dog is seriously underweight, almost to the point of being starved. I've never seen a dog so thin that was being actively cared for-- she's the kind of skinny that you usually only see in strays or recently rescued shelter-dogs. Her home-life has been very unstable since Don and I moved away. First in one apartment, with three different roommates in succession. Two with dogs. Then in a house populated by three guys, my sister, and a huge unfixed male boxer that intimidated the hell out of her and ate her food. You can see all of her ribs, even from a distance.
I know my sister loves her dog and that she does as well as she can by her. But I kind of wanted to smack her when I saw that puppy... If my dog were losing weight like that I would do whatever I could to fix the situation, you know? Move the dog to a safer location. Keep her, and her food, in a bedroom. Something. Not just let her stress out until her ribs poke out through her fur.
Lately I've been gripped with worry that I'm losing this pregnancy. I don't know why, exactly, but I feel certain that something is wrong even though I feel OK. Maybe because I feel so OK. I don't even remotely feel pregnant anymore. My next doctor's appointment isn't until Wednesday, a week from today. I guess if nothing happens between now and then, I'll just ask them to confirm that everything's still ticking along in there. Right now all I feel is impending doom...
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For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This persective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. (Souza)
7 comments:
Hey, let's not have any more of that kind of talk. So you feel OK?...great! Not all pregnancies have to be brutal. And you're not doing baby any good to be worrying yourself into a mild panic. Hold on to some happy thoughts till the next Dr.'s appointment and then we'll go from there. Do keep us posted. You know we all care about you. God bless.
OK, I'll try to keep it cheerful and calm. But if I can't express my fears here, where can I?
I've never had much in the way of intuition or ability to read my body. Now that I feel in touch, I hope I'm all wrong about what I read.
How many weeks are you again? When I stopped with the morning sickness, but before anyone had heard the heartbeat (around 14 weeks), and before the baby started moving, I had a huge sense of doubt and a nagging feeling of "is something wrong?" Part of my issue was that I decided this pregnancy would be low-tech, unless my midwives wanted something for a specific reason. So no doppler, no ultrasound. Right before my 16w appointment I started feeling the flutters of first movement, and it really reassured me. Until then, I kept reminding myself that I'd done everything I could to keep that baby healthy, and if I was going to lose it, there wasn't much to be achieved by freaking out.
I can understand why you'd be so freaked out by the possibility of a miscarriage. You may want to call the office and ask if you can come in and hear the hb real fast for some reassurance. With your next visit so close, you may just want to wait, but the baby shares your stress hormones, so whatever you choose, make peace with your decision. Let go and Let God.
You are not alone. I am having the same thoughts. I am still having some nausea and breast soreness, but because I don't feel any movement, it is hard not to think the worst. Hang it there!
I'm at 11 weeks now.
you know, right around 10 weeks my morning sickness started to peter out. it would leave me for a few days and then come back (sigh) and then back and forth until one day it was just gone.
there were many many times at the end of the 1st tri where I just didn't feel "pregnant" at all. I could go a few hours and forget entirely that I was pregnant.
you are at that crappy stage where your symptoms aren't so insane and the baby isn't moving yet, and i don't blame you at all for being nervous occasionally!
trust me when you start to feel the baby move (which i thought for 3 days was impending stomach flu. heh. oops) it does gets a little easier. and then they'll sleep for a few hours and you're convinced something is wrong again! like this afternoon when i couldn't get her to wake up and i hadn't felt her move since I had woken up and i had to put something cold on my belly to wake her up and get her to move!
I think, though, if you can practice trying to reassure and calm yourself now, it will serve you well in the coming months. There is really always something to be worried about when you're pregnant whether it's feeling well or not, worrying about the baby not moving, worrying about early delivery, miscarriage, all the other terrifying things they tell you in the books... "is this just a headache or is it pre-eclampsia?" yikes! it's so stressful and the doctor's appointments are fairly far apart. I'm finding it useful to try to visualize my happy little porkbun floating in her primordial ocean. Or vizualizing myself insanely hugely pregnant and in labor. healthy images help keep away the fear.
Mara... I want you to relax. It's a scary time and I not only understand what you're feeling, I totally sympathize. Yes, vent your fears and frustrations! You don't want to lock 'em up, but sometimes, if you remember that thoughts can become things...it can make it a little easier.
When I was about 24 weeks along, I was doing a lot of heavy lifting and such at work. There was one afternoon where I know I overstepped my limits and actually had light bleeding that night. I panicked beyond reason ( I don't mind saying so now ) and was crying and worried that my stupidity and impatience at work just cost my child its' life. It was then followed by two days of the worst pain I've ever experienced...we were giving Ben one of our old couches and the whole ride there was agonizing. Poor Ben saw how much pain I was in and I couldn't even tell anyone why I hurt the way I did. One side was cramping all along my back and up to my chest, and it felt like a hot knife. Zephyr wasn't moving and I thought I was going to pass out. By the time we got to his parent's house, I was in tears and Jordan was really worried (it takes a lot to worry him).
I honestly thought I was losing my baby and was so upset at myself. We called the doctor and after they established that it wasn't my appendix, they told me it was just my round ligaments moving...and that it would pass. I was pissed. That's it? Yup...hot water bottle and plenty of fluids. Thanks, have a nice day.
So I'd sit there on the back porch with my hot watter bottle and hot tea and just rub my belly...I would imagine what he would look like, what color his eyes would be, how his laugh would sound...anything I could do to take my mind off that horrible feeling of body-failure. You want to know the funny part? When I would do all that imagining, he would actually move for me. Any other time and you could forget it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is your body will fool the hell out of you because once you're pregnant, it no longer belongs to you. There is a new boss and until they're about 18...it's on loan. :) I've always had a great intuition with mine but the whole time I was pregnant, I couldn't even tell if I needed to pee some days! Take a deep breath and hug yourself honey. Imagine a warm white glow in the heart of your womb and send that baby thoughts of love and happiness. Let her know that her momma can't wait to see her smiling face but she'll be patient...no need to hurry.
Slow down and remember that not all good things come from misery. Sometimes you are blessed with joy through joy itself.
I am sending you enormous thoughts of love and if you need anything at all or just to shout out thoughts of worry, I want you to call me. Anytime, ok?
972-980-9708
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