Tuesday, September 30, 2008


First, thank you everybody who has commented on my blog recently-- Amanda, Rachel, MDC mamas, thank you. Your thoughtful words help me more than you know.

I know what I want. I've always known. I didn't just wake up one day at 25 years old and decide that it would be quite nice to have a baby; it's not because starting a family is next on the to-do list. I have wanted children always; everything else has lead up to getting to a place where it was finally practical to try. It's something that has been in my mind, in my heart, forever. The only reason I'm questioning it now is because it's been so hard, so unexpectedly difficult, to get started-- miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage. So I have to ask, is it still worth it? Is it worth it to put myself through this, to put Don through this-- emotionally, physically? But it still is. I don't know at what point it wouldn't be, but we're not there yet.

And, it's not just 'a baby' that I want. Yes, I want a tiny, scrunch-faced, bright-red, nursing newborn, but I also want the toddler. The seven-year-old. The teenager. The adult (although it's hard to imagine.) I want our household dynamic to be less Mad About You and more The Burrow. I want a noisy, chaotic houseful of children... and eventually, for them all to leave and do their own thing.


Bella said...

When you said The Burrow - I almost split a side because THAT sounds so perfectly, naturally... you! Of course... probably without all the red hair though.

Bex said...

You know that is the only time I have thought about how nice it would be to have a big family. I'll just have to settle for being an adopted auntie.

I'll make you a clock.

Mara said...

Bella-- yeah I tried to think of a TV show that epitomized what I want, but all I could think of was the stupid Brady Bunch, which wasn't right at all. Then Harry popped into my head, and all was right.

Bex-- the Mortal Peril clock? That would be so useful! Just don't make it out of chocolate or it won't last until it's needed...

ayla said...

I want The Burrow, too. Even with my son crawling around on the floor, I feel the ominous "tick tick" of my biological clock, conspiring with humanity against me. In that way, I have a small inkling how you feel. But I so want for you to be a mother.

Rachel said...

I want a big family, too. Alas, my eggs are nearing expiration with no swimmers to fertilize them. I'm sure that was TMI.

Anyway...I would never say to find a new dream, because it's impossible. I'd be obsessed with having a child if I didn't have pill. I'm obsessed about having another one, but I can shove down the ache when I look at him.

I wish there was something magical I could say to take away the pain and emptiness and anger and all of it. But there's not. I'd love to give you a hug someday though.

Rochelle said...

You've been in my thoughts a lot this week. I too want The Burrow family. I'm a red head too so I'm a bit biased. Doubt the hubby will let me get that far, he's too left-brained and scientific, gets onto me about over population hah. <3

robina said...

before i had wren, i could've written this post w/r/t wanting teenagers and adults. actually, i think i did, the week we decided to ttc.

i want a huge family too. there is nothing that fills me with more happiness than the thought of noisy, insane footsteps up and down stares, kids rooting through fridges and running around with our pets, screaming and stomping and just being a family. i hope that for you, too. so very much.

i'm praying/rooting/sending good juju for you, mara.

Jody said...

Oh my. Everything you are going through is so familiar. It is like you are telling my story.

First things first. The doc will tell you you had a blighted ovum, and that it has nothing to do with the other 3....immunologic miscarriage will present like this. Here is a link to follow and get some serious help for recurrent m/c: http://repro-med.net/index.php

The docs(3) told me a whole load of bull, and I spent a fortune until I found Dr. Beer. He is the reason I have Mia.

There is also a yahoo support group that can direct you to docs in your area: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/immunologysupport/

Forgive me if I have sent you this info already. I just know how hopeless I felt, and am so happy that I found the folks at the immunology support.

If you have any questions at all, don't hesitate to e-mail me. I would be happy to share how we finally carried to term post m/c.