Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Ketchup

It seems that I haven't written here in forever. Oops about that. Nothing's wrong or anything, just a confluence of factors conspiring against the blog. It started with a few really hectic weeks at work, with me working overtime all over the place, as well as being really busy while at work. I hate to admit it, but downtime at work is generally when I write in here. Then the camera batteries died, and I really wanted to put up a picture of something... Now I can't remember what. Mostly, though, it's because I've been really struggling with the miscarriage thing (again. or still.) and it makes for such repetitive writing. In a novel or a movie, trauma resolves itself to some kind of conclusion; in a journal it just rehashes itself endlessly.

I didn't want to write much about (or think about) the last miscarriage, because it was awful. So I kind of dealt with it in the most minimal way possible, which worked until a month later when my period came, because that was awful too, and it was like some kind of freaky flashback thing. (Note to self: vocabulary. find some.) I didn't feel like working through that on paper, so to speak. So I just didn't write at all. Then Don and I were confronted with the approach of the Fertile Window and had to decide whether or not we were Trying Again this cycle. After four miscarriages it's become a grim decision, not the joyous one it was the first time, or even the second. I actually said to him, "We need to talk soon about whether to try for our next miscarriage this month, or wait another cycle"... without realizing what I'd said wrong. Well, no point putting off the inevitable; we're going to keep trying so we may as well try as soon as possible.

Good things have been happening, too. I mentioned that we'd done a good bit of work on the fence; now the chicken coop is almost done too. Don took that project over, as predicted, but is following my design pretty well. We were supposed to be getting the actual birds this weekend, but that's up in the air now. The weather's been great, lots of rain from the hurricanes, starting to get into my favorite season now. Got a little raise at work. Plane tickets booked for New Mexico in December; finally get a chance to hang out with my family there for a bit. It hasn't been all five of us since Big Bend 2006. So that's something to look forward to.

4 comments:

Rachel said...

I'm glad you're back. (((MARA)))

Mindi said...

It's nice to see you back. I'm sorry for what you're going through, feel free to email me or contact me through MDC if you're ever interested in talking to a stranger that knows a little bit about how you're feeling (what, that doesn't sound like fun???).

Anyway, just putting it out there. I'm sending you many positive thoughts!

cara lou said...

Hi -- I found your blog from a post you made on MDC. I really enjoy your writing and have been reading back in your archives...

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I agree, it is so frustrating to see people who don't want babies or who aren't trying for a baby get pregnant so easily.

I have a couple of friends who have had miscarriages and lost a baby (he only lived 3 hours -- which they were expecting) and I just don't understand why things like that happen.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and let you know that a stranger is rooting for you and that I really enjoy hearing about your life (all the other stuff, I mean).

And good luck, whatever it may mean to you. I really wish you all of the best.

Mara said...

Thanks you guys! I appreciate all the good karma, thoughts, and/or vibes. :-)