Monday, May 14, 2007

Breaking News


By Rita Skeeter

In an amazing turn of events yesterday evening, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has been vanquished at last. It seems that The Boy Who Lived really was fated to destroy the Dark Lord, just as the Prophet predicted as early as last year. (Turn to page four for a complete analysis of the Daily Prophet's predictions and how they came true.) We have taken the opportunity of interviewing Rufus Scrimguer, Minister of Magic, on his involvement of the affair.

"Of course, Potter and his friends were working in tandem with the Ministry. We have been in close communication with them for quite some time, although we found it neccessary to hide that connection from the public for the obvious reasons. Why, one of our best Aurors was present at the time of the battle--that alone indicates the close, personal connection between Potter and the MoM. We did everything we could to provide him with security and protection."

While previous clashes with You-Know-Who were primarily wand-duels between the Death Eaters, this "battle" took rather a different turn, according to Potter's best friend and strategic ally, Ronald Weasley.

"It turned out to be all about the Beatles, after all. Once we figured that out the rest was easy, it just took some time to work through it. Dumbledore knew, of course. He was always trying to tell Harry, but when Harry heard "All you need is love", he thought Dumbledore meant the love in Harry's heart, or the love his mother had for him, or something. We didn't realize it was a reference
to the pop song. Finding the Beatles CD behind the portrait, that was the key."

A "CD" is a piece of Muggle technology that plays music, and in this case was instrumental to the sing-along that doomed the late Dark wizard.

"We just all formed a circle around him before he knew what was happening, singing as loud as we could to the music, "All you need is love, love... love is all you need. Love is all you need." As we joined hands and finished the song, Voldemort just kind of ... melted, into this great puddle of evil."

Those wise words are from Harry Potter, himself. He, Weasley, Ginny Weasley, the Auror Tonks, Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, Remus Lupin, and Hermione Granger formed the famous circle that sang Voldemort to his sticky, puddly end. A few keys to the defeat, apparently, were Tonk's neon-bright hair ("it offended his sensibilities as to what a witch should look like, it distracted him") and Longbottom's impressive singing voice ("Neville is a perfect tenor, the only one of us who could sing in tune with the Fab Four. It definitely helped to strengthen the spell.") Of course, the whole think would never have been possible without Granger, whose extensive knowlege of Muggle life helped them to identify the "CD" and explain how to use it, as well as knowing what to do with the puddle of evil left behind by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. In her words:
"Puddles of evil are easily dispatched by a mop and pail, any skilled House-Elf can do it. We were very fortunate, of course, to have one of Hogwarts' houselves with us at the time, and he conjured a mop before we could even finish singing. There are several examples of this phenomenon mentioned in Hogwarts, a History-- at least three different incidences of evil puddles. This is the real reason that Hogwarts keeps so many houseelves in its employ-- they are actually there for security as much as anything."
The house-elf in question, ("Dobby") was unavailable for interview but is rumored to be co-heading the new House-Elf Union along with Granger, who in turn is rumored to be interviewing for a new Ministry Division Leadership role.


ayla said...

That's not a real spoiler, is it? Because, if it is, I'm going to cry and scream and tear my hair out. I'm carefully avoiding any and all potter references until I finish the last book. I'm patient and ruthless when it comes to potter.

Mara said...

"Voldemort killed by a combination of Beatles and house-elves" = real spoiler? hahahahahaha

More like, the dream I had last night. I moderate at the Leaky Lounge forums, and I live in fear of spoilage.

Benjamin said...

If any of this turns out to be true, you will be known henceforth as a prophet and I will consult you for dream analysis every chance I get.

P.S. I wonder what would happen if they sang "I am the Walrus" instead?

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