By Rita Skeeter
In an amazing turn of events yesterday evening, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has been vanquished at last. It seems that The Boy Who Lived really was fated to destroy the Dark Lord, just as the Prophet predicted as early as last year. (Turn to page four for a complete analysis of the Daily Prophet's predictions and how they came true.) We have taken the opportunity of interviewing Rufus Scrimguer, Minister of Magic, on his involvement of the affair.
"Of course, Potter and his friends were working in tandem with the Ministry. We have been in close communication with them for quite some time, although we found it neccessary to hide that connection from the public for the obvious reasons. Why, one of our best Aurors was present at the time of the battle--that alone indicates the close, personal connection between Potter and the MoM. We did everything we could to provide him with security and protection."
"It turned out to be all about the Beatles, after all. Once we figured that out the rest was easy, it just took some time to work through it. Dumbledore knew, of course. He was always trying to tell Harry, but when Harry heard "All you need is love", he thought Dumbledore meant the love in Harry's heart, or the love his mother had for him, or something. We didn't realize it was a reference
to the pop song. Finding the Beatles CD behind the portrait, that was the key."
"We just all formed a circle around him before he knew what was happening, singing as loud as we could to the music, "All you need is love, love... love is all you need. Love is all you need." As we joined hands and finished the song, Voldemort just kind of ... melted, into this great puddle of evil."
"Puddles of evil are easily dispatched by a mop and pail, any skilled House-Elf can do it. We were very fortunate, of course, to have one of Hogwarts' houselves with us at the time, and he conjured a mop before we could even finish singing. There are several examples of this phenomenon mentioned in Hogwarts, a History-- at least three different incidences of evil puddles. This is the real reason that Hogwarts keeps so many houseelves in its employ-- they are actually there for security as much as anything."The house-elf in question, ("Dobby") was unavailable for interview but is rumored to be co-heading the new House-Elf Union along with Granger, who in turn is rumored to be interviewing for a new Ministry Division Leadership role.