Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Body-Brain Disconnect

The more I think about it, the more annoyed I am with myself. Not for the (impending) miscarriage, which I know is a "fluke" (at least so far) and "probably because of the embryo and not because of you" (which is less comforting than it sounds, although I do hope it's true...) but because I apparently totally suck at reading my body at all.

First, I harbored all kinds of doubts about whether I was at all fertile. I secretly believed that I'd never get pregnant naturally, or at least not easily. But I was wrong, that was all in my head. Two months of concerted effort, and there-ya-go.

I had NO IDEA that I was pregnant, until my period was two or three days late. Even though we were trying to get pregnant, I didn't have one single inkling. I always thought I'd be one of those women who just knew, from the moment of conception or at least a few days later. But I was convinced that I was PMS-ing and that the period was on its way.

And now, I've been carrying along an embryo that "stopped growing" three weeks ago-- is there a difference between "stopped growing" and "died"? Is there a medical difference, or is it just semantics because to say "your baby died a while back" sounds worse than "it stopped growing"-- as though it might start growing again any minute? Because it doesn't work that way, "stopped growing" is really just compassionate slang for "it's gone". It has been about five weeks now that I've known about the pregnancy, five weeks since I peed on a stick and got a great blooming positive. And yet for three out of those five weeks, I was talking to, dreaming about, writing about something that was no longer here. And I had no idea.

I feel as though I don't have any more insight into my own body than into a total stranger's. Why can't I *tell* what's going on? The kind nurse explained the pregnancy hormones, the ones that are still in my blood, still telling my body that I am pregnant. I'm not crazy to be experiencing as much or more morning sickness and other symptoms as I was a month ago. It takes time for them to diminish, and when they do is when I'll miscarry.

Packing my purse with maxi pads and Advil is bizarre, surreal. Am I cramping inside, or is that just the effects of withheld emotion?


Hostile in Ohio said...

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost three pregnancies very early on due to progesterone issues and then lost my daughter's twin around 11 weeks - no known cause.

I will keep you in my thoughts...this isn't easy, but you do get through it...somehow.

Mara said...

Thank you.

I don't know if there are any progesterone issues at play here, I"m contemplating getting tested during my next normal cycle because it seems that when it *is* progesterone, it takes several miscarriages before it's diagnosed properly... I think I want to know in advance even if it's a bit of extra medical attention-- something I usually shy away from...

Benjamin said...


I'm so sorry. If there is anything I can do, just say the word. I know we are far apart, but I am here for you. I wish I could fly up there and give you a big hug.

Mara said...

Thanks, Ben.