Monday, October 30, 2006

Sad

Well, my 'best friend' broke up with me this weekend. Maybe that's too dramatic. I mean, we've barely communicated in the last year or so, but... she's someone I considered as my best friend since seventh grade-- that's what, 12 years? It was harder and harder to get in touch with her, but I didn't really see it as 'over'; I mean, 12 years, it would take more than a little coolness on her side for me to think that we weren't friends anymore. But I never saw her during the whole month and half that Don was gone, when I'd be moving shortly as well. I kept thinking that she'd call at the last minute and we'd go out to dinner and everything would be as always. But that didn't happen. I woke up on a grey, rainy morning, my first Monday here in Virginia, terribly depressed because it hit me all at once: that for her not to contact me at all, meant that either something was very wrong or else our long friendship was over and she just wasn't interested in seeing me before I left. So I sent her a long, probably incoherent email asking about it.

To be honest, at first I expected a quick denial in return-- no no, everything's fine, of course I'm not mad at you, smiley faces. Then after some time passed, I didn't expect any response at all. But this weekend she finally wrote back to say that yes, she hasn't considered me her friend in some time. Truthfully... that letter was one of the most hurtful, painful things that's ever happened to me. I won't go into it, but . . . wow. Basically she's done with me, I guess. I've been clueless and blind about the direction our friendship has taken. I feel lost, confused, rejected... I spent most of yesterday crying.

This would probably be a great time to go on a rant about her, while I feel so raw and defensive. But I can't do that. She's a good person and regardless of how she feels now we have a long history of support and understanding. Last night when I was trying to fall asleep, random moments kept crossing my mind, just like a mediocre movie.

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>When we were sixteen, we got our first 'real jobs' together. We had so much fun working together... we used to make our boss laugh by either finishing each other's sentences or else saying exactly the same thing at the same time.


> When we graduated from high school, she and I took a road trip to San Antonio, just the two of us. It was so much fun; we went to Sea World, the Riverwalk, the zoo. I still have this kitchy purple keychain from Sea World that features a photo of us-- my favorite fridge adornment.

>After my parents' house burned down in 2001, she was the first person I called after Don. Her empathy was so strong that she burst into tears on the phone, and later she and her mom took care of all the houseplants and some other stuff while my parents relocated.

> 3 months later, she called me on September 11, to make sure that I was ok. Even though I was nowhere near New York or anything. Hearing from her helped stabilize me at a time when it seemed that the whole world had gone crazy.

> She worked at a card store during all the time that I was in Vermont, and she sent me cards in the mail all the time. Getting those cards meant so much to me, especially during that first six months with the bad depression. I kept those cards... I found the box of them when I was getting ready to move and spent some time just reading through them.

> She made me the maid of honor in her wedding. I had fun going wedding-dress shopping, watching her try on dresses until she found the perfect one, and it really was perfect. We had a great bridal shower, too. She had her husband have been together since high school, and I was so moved by their exchange of vows that I started crying during the ceremony.

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I guess that that part of my life is over now, perhaps its for the best. I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking not just about her, but about my other friends. For those that read this blog-- Ben, Becca-- do you know how much I appreciate your presence in my life? I hope so. Don spent a lot of time last night letting me know that he and I are truly best friends, as well as partners, but it still stings.

4 comments:

Amanda said...

You know...having been someone that has written those break up letters to two different people in my life, they were just as hard for me to write as I'm sure they were to read. The first person was my 'best friend' of 12 years, Tiffany. We'd been like sisters since the first grade and she didn't take kindly to my dropping her so suddenly (as she put it). Although I'm sure she'll never see it, It was hard for me to do. There were a lot of reasons for it though, and I'm sure she still thinks I'm a bitch for it.

I must admit though, I've never been on the other end of that kind of letter and I'd be pretty damn depressed too. I'm sorry she broke up with you.

Mara said...

Thanks Amanda. It's partly the fact of the situation, i.e. being broken up with, but a lot of it is the stuff she said in the letter that I didn't repeat here in the blog. Not exactly *nice* stuff.

I think it would have made a difference if she had just sent it, rather than my having to basically request it... I guess what *she* wanted was just to fade away and hope I wouldn't notice or care. A straightfoward letter in the first place, like what you did, would have been miles better and saved me a lot of needless worry.

Benjamin said...

Mara,
I don't know what to say. I am so embroiled in rejection and self-pity myself that I'm afraid I can't be of much help to you. I know it must really sting. But I'm here if you want to correspond or talk on the phone. If you get an AIM account we can converese in that way. And it's free.
-- Ben

Bex said...

My oldest friends (who I thought I would be friends with forever) pretty much just vanished and we stopped talking. Probably for the usual reasons, we're young, guys, living no where near eachother, etc. I thought if anything I would be the one to drift away from them being the first one to get married and not having family "back home" anymore but it was definitely the other way around. I was pretty sad at first, putting so much effort into trying to keep in touch but now I wonder if I am doing the same thing by being so crap at keeping in touch with my current friends.

You know I love ya Mara. I consider you my best friend even though we don't get to talk much (that's mostly my fault because I'm a goober, feel free to call me names).
I rarely find people I actually connect with so you are a much appreciated friend!