Sad

Well, my 'best friend' broke up with me this weekend. Maybe that's too dramatic. I mean, we've barely communicated in the last year or so, but... she's someone I considered as my best friend since seventh grade-- that's what, 12 years? It was harder and harder to get in touch with her, but I didn't really see it as 'over'; I mean, 12 years, it would take more than a little coolness on her side for me to think that we weren't friends anymore. But I never saw her during the whole month and half that Don was gone, when I'd be moving shortly as well. I kept thinking that she'd call at the last minute and we'd go out to dinner and everything would be as always. But that didn't happen. I woke up on a grey, rainy morning, my first Monday here in Virginia, terribly depressed because it hit me all at once: that for her not to contact me at all, meant that either something was very wrong or else our long friendship was over and she just wasn't interested in seeing me before I left. So I sent her a long, probably incoherent email asking about it.

To be honest, at first I expected a quick denial in return-- no no, everything's fine, of course I'm not mad at you, smiley faces. Then after some time passed, I didn't expect any response at all. But this weekend she finally wrote back to say that yes, she hasn't considered me her friend in some time. Truthfully... that letter was one of the most hurtful, painful things that's ever happened to me. I won't go into it, but . . . wow. Basically she's done with me, I guess. I've been clueless and blind about the direction our friendship has taken. I feel lost, confused, rejected... I spent most of yesterday crying.

This would probably be a great time to go on a rant about her, while I feel so raw and defensive. But I can't do that. She's a good person and regardless of how she feels now we have a long history of support and understanding. Last night when I was trying to fall asleep, random moments kept crossing my mind, just like a mediocre movie.

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>When we were sixteen, we got our first 'real jobs' together. We had so much fun working together... we used to make our boss laugh by either finishing each other's sentences or else saying exactly the same thing at the same time.


> When we graduated from high school, she and I took a road trip to San Antonio, just the two of us. It was so much fun; we went to Sea World, the Riverwalk, the zoo. I still have this kitchy purple keychain from Sea World that features a photo of us-- my favorite fridge adornment.

>After my parents' house burned down in 2001, she was the first person I called after Don. Her empathy was so strong that she burst into tears on the phone, and later she and her mom took care of all the houseplants and some other stuff while my parents relocated.

> 3 months later, she called me on September 11, to make sure that I was ok. Even though I was nowhere near New York or anything. Hearing from her helped stabilize me at a time when it seemed that the whole world had gone crazy.

> She worked at a card store during all the time that I was in Vermont, and she sent me cards in the mail all the time. Getting those cards meant so much to me, especially during that first six months with the bad depression. I kept those cards... I found the box of them when I was getting ready to move and spent some time just reading through them.

> She made me the maid of honor in her wedding. I had fun going wedding-dress shopping, watching her try on dresses until she found the perfect one, and it really was perfect. We had a great bridal shower, too. She had her husband have been together since high school, and I was so moved by their exchange of vows that I started crying during the ceremony.

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I guess that that part of my life is over now, perhaps its for the best. I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking not just about her, but about my other friends. For those that read this blog-- Ben, Becca-- do you know how much I appreciate your presence in my life? I hope so. Don spent a lot of time last night letting me know that he and I are truly best friends, as well as partners, but it still stings.