Revelations

Personal, not biblical. Thank goodness. It's been kind of a weird day for me, filled with realizations; not at all usual. I'm at home alone, D's at some work shindig. It kind of pisses me off that he never takes me to these things, keeping work and home life separate blah blah blah. He never used to do that. In the beginning we worked together so it was impossible; in Vermont the town was just too small, I guess.

Anyways. I realized that I really want to explore this proof-reading, copy-editing career-flash-idea that I had recently. I don't know why I've never considered it before; I mean, reading is the single thing that I do best, that I like best, and I'm always editing and correcting what I read in my head, muttering on about clunky writing. There's not much money in it, but it probably beats the heck out of being a bank teller. You get to sit down, for one thing. I'd have to take some classes but that would be ok. My bank would even pay for those, I think. They do that.

I also realized that I'm a fucking loner. I've taken introversion to a level that's not good and I spend my time either at work, with D, with my family, or alone. Reading, on-lining, shopping, bookstore-browsing, driving . . .

Where are all of my friends? When I realized that I had the evening to myself, it came to me that I didn't feel like staying in and reading. How strange. I called my best friend, Ashli. She was busy with family obligations. I called Ben. Ditto. I called....wait. That's it. I didn't have other numbers to dial (like we really dial anymore. Cell-phone one-touch, more like.) Unless I wanted to hang out with my sister (see Family, above) which I didn't. What has become of me? I'm no misanthrope or social outcast! I like people. Some people, anyways. I've just been sucked into the marital/quasi-marital trap in which D and I spend all of our time together. Alone, together. I've always made my friends from the people that I worked with, from that hotel job that turned up D, to the Borders in Vermont with Becca and everyone, to the steakhouse's constant supply of drinking buddies and poker pals. Trouble is, I don't like anyone at the bank enough to try to be friends with them. It's not like I don't like them, just that 40 hours a week is enough. More than enough. I left friends back in Vermont; Holly, Erin, Nicki, Becca. I'm changing this dismal scene, pronto. Mara is now Open for Friendship. No more turning down invitations, staying home because D really is anti-social; no more self-doubting shyness or snobbish Mr. Darcy-ish standoffishness. Maybe I should join a book club or something. :)

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Anyone who reads my blog regularly (right) might be thinking, best friend Ashli? What best friend Ashli? Today was the first we've spoken in months. Isn't that weird? It's not like we had a falling-out, although I was starting to think so. Ashli and I have been friends since seventh grade. We don't agree on anything, not movies, books, religion, politics, marriage, which guys are hot, etc. Our conversations don't tend to include any of the above. And yet we've been close friends for over a decade. She got married last June and I was her maid of honor. I last saw her sometime in October I think.

She sent me a holiday card, kind of generic, signed from her and her husband. I called and left a voice-mail to say thank you, and another to say Merry Christmas. She sent me an email on my birthday, I replied to it and sent a birthday card to her parent's house. I emailed her when my grandmother died, to tell her what happened and could we get together? She replied to that one.

I thought maybe she was just cocooning with the new hubby, or wrapped up in work; but who can't pick up the phone every now and then to say hi, or hit 'reply' to an e-mail? (Don't I sound like somebody's mother? I sound like my own mother.) I was a little pissed, to be honest, and ready to just put the friendship on hold until she saw fit to remember it. Now I wonder, though. The tone of her last email wasn't good and I think that she may be doing that...thing.... where you retreat when things get hard because to talk about it is difficult, to admit that life isn't all grand (especially if marriage has always been the goal, the panacea, and the destination) to make things even harder by trying to do everything yourself. Stubbornness, pride, that paranoid fear of seeing judgment in other's eyes. We're alike in some ways after all, I guess. Or she really has been ignoring me. Maybe she's made cooler friends, friends who don't read Harry Potter. But we're going out tomorrow night so I'll see. I'm still kind of ticked though.

Update on the stupid!Kristin thing... she may or may not have been drunk during the whole accident-and-next-morning thing. True, I didn't notice anything, but then, I never do. Intoxication, like homosexuality, usually goes under my radar completely, unless I have some reason for inquiring into either. Points in favor of intoxication: she didn't call the police about the accident, citing the fact that the other car already left the scene. Doesn't make sense because even I know that they have to make an accident report for the insurance company. But if she were drunk it would explain it better. It would also explain why we had to stop for her to throw up at the bank. We'd only been driving for 10 minutes or so, is that long enough to get motion-sick? I don't know. The other point (less substantive) is that the other bank associates who saw her do think so. Perhaps they're more observant than me. Points against intoxication.... none, really. Oh and even though she doesn't seem at all injured or hurt, she has off from work on a doctor's note until Saturday. The whole thing leaves me ticked off. Go ahead and axe her, then.